The Decision

I decided to get a divorce. It has been 15 years of marriage. It started on 21 of November 2000, and I decided to call it off on 8 of June 2015. Yes, it's a very difficult decision. Yes, i've been thinking about it for so long. Yes, there's has been several attempted to fix the problem. No, there is no other person between us. So what's the problem than? What makes a 15 years old of marriage over?

It is very clear, that I don't want to live with my husband anymore. Why? Because, for 15 years of our marriage, I am not happy. And I don't think that he's happy too. But he's a good person, and we've been a very good friend before the wedding. We are just not mend for each other, and I just realize that, after 15 years of our marriage.

But let me make it clear. I don't want to talk about why the marriage doesn't work anymore. Why the love has gone. Why, why, why... I don't want to talk about why. I want to talk about what's next. Yes. What happen next after the divorce. Am I going to be able to live by myself? How things works at my home after he left? Am I going to be lost and break down, am I going to looking for salvation and going home drunk every Wednesday night till week end or turning into a cat lady who feds lots of street cats? I don't know. But I am willing to deal with what ever heading in front of me, rather than lingering in the situation that dragging me down.

But I know, it's a 15 years of marriage, you probably having difficulties to believe that I am not happy for 15 years. Let me put it this way.

This is me before I decided to get a divorce:

And this is me after I decided to get a divorce:

See the differences?

But this changes were not happening because of the decision to have a divorce. This changes were happening because I decided to love myself. Yes. Such thing can happen to me. I didn't realize that "I" can love me that much. "I" love me so good, that makes me feel like I'm a very special, and "I" bring out the best of me. The inner beauty that I didn't even know exist all this time.

"I" make a conversation with myself, why am I not loving myself? Loving my face, my body, my soul, my mind, my voice, my lips, my arms, my everything? Why must I waited for anyone else to love me, while "I" can love myself more than anyone? Why must I be broken hearted because of the needs to be love from someone that doesn't even know how to love me better than myself? Now that is the point.

So I made this decision. I am not going to let anyone comes into my life, and make me love him, unless... He can love me better than myself. Period. Because I know what happen when I love someone. I am going to jump over the bridge for my love. I am not going to see anything but my love. I am going to dig my heart very deep and trying to make it work and worth every day, what ever happen, until it hurts so much for years. Did that, done that, what's next. Not another mistakes.

After this decision was made, I know how much "I" love myself. I know how worthy I am. And I don't want to be loved lesser than what "I" already love myself. So that picture you all saw, it's not because of any other thing but the love that "I" give to myself. It's true. Love yourself, and see the beauty from your inner soul will comes out from every inches of your body and embrace the life.

This decision has already been made. I dare those who ever wanted to love me to love me better than myself.